This week I’m going to share with you the three big lessons I learned to change my behavior so I could create the relationship of my dreams.
Here’s what I learned:
1. I stopped trying so hard to make the relationship happen. I really felt part of my job was to work hard at keeping the relationship going all the time, even if my partner wasn’t working at it at all. The problem with that is that men like to feel they have some control over where they’re going with a woman in a relationship, and not that it’s all being directed by someone else. By my working so hard at it all the time, I took that away from him.
2. I stopped giving all of me away. I had a tendency in the past to tell a man everything about me, right from the start. If there was a connection, I thought the more I shared, the better off we would be, because we would develop emotional intimacy that much sooner. The problem with that was there was nothing left for him to discover after the first few dates. I was the one doing all the talking. Part of me wanted to show him how smart, funny, capable, and interesting I was, because then he would see how different I was from every other girl out there. There was a need to prove myself and be ‘worthy’ of a relationship.
But in the beginning of a relationship, most men really don’t care very much about everything we’ve done in the past and all we’ve accomplished. They want to focus on who we are with them right now, in this moment. They want a woman who can be feminine, sensual, relaxed, and at ease with herself because this immediately puts them at ease when we’re together. Being intelligent is great, because men like smart women, but not if it feels cold, superior or condescending. Being smart has to include warmth and femininity for men to really feel their masculinity when they’re with a woman. I took away all the mystery of letting him get to know me in his own way. I was too busy doing all the chasing, being too nice, giving, and available, to give him any reason to continue pursuing me. He stopped because I gave him nothing to pursue. I gave it all away in the beginning. Men like discovering things on their own. Part of what keeps attraction going is anticipation for the unknown. It’s part of what draws men to us.
3. I needed to take care of myself before I took care of him. I didn’t take care of my own needs and desires first, so I started to resent everything I was doing for him. The fact that he didn’t appreciate what I was doing just made it worse. I was operating out of fear of loss and trying to hang on to the relationship by doing everything I could for him. But I got lost in the process. My confidence and self-esteem gradually whittled away, along with any feelings of ease and relaxation. I was anxious, worried, and fearful about the relationship and constantly tried to analyze everything he said or did. I was working so hard to get him to love me, I forgot about loving myself. This just pushed him away even faster. Men hate being told what to do. And the more I tried to convince him that I was the ‘girl for him’, the more he withdrew.
I finally learned how to withdraw myself from the mentality of competing with every other woman out
there, and started taking care of my own needs. I learned to stop pushing for a relationship or a commitment before a man is ready to offer one on his own. It rarely works when it’s not his idea. I learned to act and speak from an abundant mentality, because if one man doesn’t appreciate me, there are other men out there who will. I stopped trying so hard to please him, fulfill all his needs and desires, and analyze his feelings. Instead, I focused on myself, on what I was feeling, and what I wanted. I became a woman who knew she deserved a great man and an extraordinary relationship. And that’s exactly what I found.
Stay true to yourself. Keep your heart open. Be the extraordinary woman you are. Know you deserve an extraordinary relationship. You will start attracting extraordinary and wonderful men into your life as if by magic. And you won’t have to work hard at all.
Until next time...
© 2008 Dawn Allen
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