Meet and Marry Mr. Right- Finally Find and Keep the Right Man For You Once and For All- Dawn Allen, Dating and Relationship Advice Expert for Women

Love- Healing Your Wounded Heart

"Healing Your Wounded Heart with Love"

 I have a confession.  If you haven't read my bio on my website or blog, you may not know I've been engaged twice and married twice, all to different men.  In addition, my daughter and I were both molested by my former stepfather.

Healing from heartbreak is something I know how to do really, really well. 

I've learned that once you know how to heal your heart, the process is the same, regardless of the circumstances.

Marianne Williamson said, "It is not the love we did not receive in the past that hurts us.  What hurts us is the love we are not extending in the present."

The place to extend that love when you've been heartbroken is to yourself.  It took me a long time to learn how to do this.  My initial way of coping was to distract myself and to bury my feelings.  From the time I was 16 and my stepfather came into my life, I had an eating disorder for the next ten years that did a really good job of distracting me from the pain I was feeling.

When we've been heartbroken, one of the things that prevents our healing is resisting what we're feeling.  In my case, having an eating disorder was a way for me to resist dealing with my painful feelings.

If I had known then, what I know now, and had someone to walk me through the process of healing, I would have saved myself years of anguish. 

It took me a long time to learn how to embrace and accept what I was feeling, no matter how unpleasant.  But once I did, it finally allowed me to gradually move through my feelings and eventually release them.  It didn't happen overnight.

Grieving and healing from heartbreak is a process, but it doesn't have to take years, as it initially did in my case.  If you know the steps, you can recover much more quickly and come out of the process an even stronger and more loving person than you were before.

The first step is to bring yourself to the present moment and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you're feeling.  John Gray wrote a wonderful book called, "What You Feel, You Can Heal."  Feeling is the first step in healing.

Allow all your feelings to come to the surface.  Breathe through them.  If tears come as well, then let them come.  Tears are very cleansing to the soul and they put us in touch with our hearts.  Getting in touch with our hearts is a big part of the healing process, so tears should be welcomed.

The next step is to express your feelings.  Expressing your feelings is critical to your healing.  You need to have a space to release whatever is going on inside of you, without having to be kind, spiritual, or worry about what someone else is going to think of you.

Through the years, my saving grace was expressing my feelings in my journal.  Having the outlet of my journal as a safe place to express all my emotions literally saved my life at times.

Now I have the benefit of a coach as an additional haven for me to express my feelings.  Only recently have I realized how powerful it is to have another person acknowledge and witness my feelings and intentions.  Having that supportive relationship in my life made transitioning through my last divorce, a thousand times easier than my first one twenty years ago.

It is essential to have a way to express all your feelings, whether that's in a journal or by talking to a friend, therapist, or coach.  Until those unexpressed, painful feelings are released, you'll stay stuck.

My grandmother passed away when I was eleven.  It took me ten years to complete the grieving process.  I bottled my sadness up inside me and pretended everything was fine.  It wasn't until I took two dozen sleeping pills on my 17^th birthday as a loud cry for help that I finally broke down.  I started expressing my grief, releasing what had been pent up inside me for years, and at last began to heal.

As you become present and start expressing all the feelings inside you, extend all the love you have to give, towards yourself.  That is where all your healing begins... with a heart full of love for yourself.

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire Universe, deserve your love and affection." - Buddha

Does Your Heart Need Healing? Here Are 3 Ways to Begin...

A few months ago, I started working with a client who was struggling to pull her life together after her husband left her for another woman.  She was in a great deal of pain and having a difficult time letting go of her anger, jealousy, and resentment.  As we discussed what she could do to start healing, my heart welled with empathy.

Years ago, I was hopelessly in love with a man who left me two separate times to have affairs with much younger women.  The first time, I was devastated.  The second time, I was so angry I never wanted to see him again.  I tried to pretend I didn’t care, but that only deepened my anger and resentment.  I felt insecure, jealous, and filled with self-doubts.

It took me years to heal from that experience and recover my self-esteem.  I learned everything I could on healing and relationships.  Ultimately, it led me to the work I do now because I didn’t want other women to go through the long, painful process I did.

If your heart is hurting, here are three ways to begin healing:

• Focus your energy on yourself.  When we are involved in a painful relationship, all our energy gets directed at trying to make the relationship better.  There’s very little energy left for ourselves.  The biggest mistake we make as women is giving too much of ourselves away.  We try to make everything better for everyone else, but then have nothing left over for ourselves.  Let go of focusing your attention on your partner and his life; bring all of your attention back to your own life. 
• Express your feelings.  In order to start healing, your feelings need to be expressed in a safe place.  Create a “Healing Your Heart” journal and begin writing.  Talk with a coach, therapist, or spiritual counselor to have a safe environment to express your feelings and facilitate your healing process.  Reach out for help and support when you need it.
• Do one small thing every day that makes you feel good and helps you take better care of yourself.  When we are trying to pick up the pieces of our life after a relationship ends, we forget to take care of ourselves.  Yet, it’s the most critical time for us to give ourselves the love and attention we’re no longer receiving from a partner.

A lot of these things may feel impossible to do right now.  I know it did for me, but you can do it.  Get support and give yourself time.  The healing won’t happen overnight, but it will happen.  Be gentle with yourself.  Be patient.  Difficult though it may be to believe, you will heal.

Your Assignment:  Make healing and self-care your biggest priority.

If you have children, it will do them good to see you taking care of yourself.  You are not your best as a mother, if you are unhappy and miserable with your life.  You need to put yourself first.  You need a healthy outlet for your feelings and a safe space to heal your heart.

Look for one small thing to do each day that makes you feel good.  One day at a time, you will see, your life will become one that makes your heart sing again… where all your dreams can come true. 

 

 

What Is Your Life Reflecting Back To You?

Click this audio button to hear this week's article.

A few years ago, I read a story about Deepak Chopra in Joe Vitale's book, The Key, that left a huge impact on me. In his seminars and books, Deepak talks about all of life being a mirror and constantly reflecting back our own beliefs. If there are elements in another person that really anger or upset you, most likely, those are the same elements you have in yourself that you don't like.

In this story, Deepak was talking about a woman who came up to him at one of his seminars and really pushed his buttons. He thought this woman was rude, impatient, and obnoxious. He had a whole list of things.

Later he thought, Wait a minute, I should take my own teachings to heart. So he wrote down all the elements that he saw in the other person he didnt like. Then he called his publicist and said, Im going to read a list of these traits to you, and I want you to tell me if I have these. He listed them all, like obnoxious, rude, and impatient. He went through the whole list, and he said the other side of the phone was dead quiet for a long time. He thought, "Oh, no," and he decided to check with his wife.

He then read the same list to her. The silence on the other side of the phone was even longer this time than it had been with his publicist. The point being those elements he didn't like in the other person were the ones that he didn't like in himself.

After reading this story, I made a list of all the things that were triggering reactions in me about my ex-husband. I discovered the judgments and beliefs I was carrying around towards him were mirroring the beliefs I actually had about myself.

I blamed him for being unsupportive and critical of me, for not believing in me, for not caring about my happiness or success. But the truth was, deep down not only was I was not supportive of him, I was not supportive of myself. I didnt believe in myself. I wasn't committed to my own happiness or success. I didnt believe I deserved anything better.

I was so busy trying to jump around and make everyone else happy I lost myself in the process. Underneath all the anger and blame I directed towards others, I was deeply critical and angry with myself for not taking a stand for my own happiness and fulfillment. My life mirrored my lack of belief in myself.

I attached my self-worth and self-esteem to things, people, and circumstances outside myself. Rather than trusting and believing in myself, I was always looking for answers in yet another book, another degree, the next new seminar, or in my relationship with another person.

It wasn't until I discovered what was underneath my reactions to other people, that I was able to take responsibility for all the parts of myself I had disowned. Doing so not only transformed me, but all my relationships as well.

In The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, Debbie Ford said When we are willing to open our hearts to all that exists, and start looking for the good rather than the bad in everything, we will see God. We will see love. Remembering we are the ones choosing what we see is essential. On some level, we ask for all the lessons we learn in this lifetime. Every incident, no matter how horrible, has a gift for you. And if you get your gift then I will get mine, for I am you and you are me in the world of the spirit.

Your Assignment: Look at an aspect of someone that triggers an emotional reaction in you. Is there any place where you might have that same quality?

Is there something that you dislike in other people that you might also dislike in yourself? If that part of you had a potential gift to share, what would it be? What could it be here to teach you?

Only by accepting ourselves without judgment and blame can we uncover all the gifts we have to share with the world. Love all aspects of yourself fully. Your life and everyone in it will reflect back that same love.

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If you would like support in moving past the beliefs that are holding you back from living a life you love, send me an email.  When you don't have to do it all yourself, all things are possible for you.  We will work together to transform your pain into power; move beyond fear, resentment and other sabotaging emotions; rebuild your self-respect, self-confidence, and self-love to healing; and reinventing your life filled with love and inspiration.

Contact me today... I'd love to talk.

Resentment- Where Is It Keeping You Stuck In Your Life?

  Click this audio button to hear this week's article.

After my divorce, the biggest hurdle I had to overcome was the lingering resentment I felt towards my ex-husband. It kept me glued to the past. It ate away at my self-esteem and chained me to seeing myself as a victim.

The definition of resentment is “Indignation, or ill will, felt as a result of a real, or imagined, grievance.”

Whether my indignation and ill will were real, or imagined was irrelevant. As long as I hung on to my resentment, I gave away my power to change anything in my life.

The blame I directed at my ex-husband was a convenient way f or me to sidestep accepting responsibility for how I had contributed to the problems in our relationship.

My resentment was insidious in the way it showed up in my life. I ended one relationship after another. Nobody seemed good enough, because my resentment clouded my vision and prevented me from seeing any new relationship clearly. The dark, angry void inside of me was not something anyone else could fill.

Maybe I had a legitimate right to feel wronged and mistreated. But, I know my ex-husband would have said the same thing about me. One thing I know for sure, we are never alon e in a relationship. Who we are on the inside is what shows up on the outside.

If I blamed my ex-husband for betraying me and treating me poorly, I had to ask, where had I betrayed him and treated him poorly? Where had I betrayed myself by ignoring my feelings and dismissing my intuition when it told me things weren’t right?

The truth allowed me to reclaim my authenticity and sense of self. When I saw my own pattern of dysfunction, and took responsibility for my part in creating the past, I was empowered to create something different for myself. 

The pain and disappointment I experienced as a result of my marriage ending was the biggest catalyst for personal growth I’ve ever had. In my deep search for meaning and healing, it propelled me to look at parts of myself, and my behavior I had never seen before.

When I was able to see myself through the eyes of my ex-husband, I saw a more honest portrayal of who I was. Not good, not bad, just what was.
Virginia Satir said, “Life is not the way it’s supposed to be, it’s the way it is. The way you cope with it, is what makes the difference.”

In coping with what was, and who I was, I found the strength to change, and to make new choices. I also found the love, gratitude, and appreciation for my ex-husband and our marriage that had been buried under years of resentment. It was the best gift I could ever find. It allowed me to move on. I put the past behind me once and for all, and found the love and inspiration for my life I’d been looking for all along.

If you’re feeling resentment towards someone who hurt you, ‘un-stick’ yourself from the past, so you can be free to start creating a life you love.

Your Assignment: Find the source of your frustration, anger or resentment. What was it this person did that you still can’t forgive? What incident or experience can you not let go of? Now the difficult part… ask yourself, how did you contribute to creating this experience? Where did you not honor yourself and your own feelings? Were there red flags that you chose not to see?

Your answers will help you reclaim your power to see the past from a different perspective, and allow you to start the process of healing and forgiveness.

Healing Your Wounded Heart with Love

Click this audio button to hear this week's article

 

I have a confession.  If you haven't read my bio on my website or blog, you may not know I've been engaged twice and married twice, all to different men.  In addition, my daughter and I were both molested by my former stepfather.

Healing from heartbreak is something I know how to do really, really well. 

I've learned that once you know how to heal your heart, the process is the same, regardless of the circumstances.

Marianne Williamson said, "It is not the love we did not receive in the past that hurts us.  What hurts us is the love we are not extending in the present."

The place to extend that love when you've been heartbroken is to yourself.  It took me a long time to learn how to do this.  My initial way of coping was to distract myself and try to bury my feelings.  From the time I was 16 and my stepfather came into my life, I had an eating disorder for the next ten years that did a really good job of distracting me from the pain I was feeling.

When we've been heartbroken, one of the things that prevents our healing is resisting what we're feeling.  In my case, having an eating disorder was a way for me to resist dealing with my painful feelings.

If I had known then, what I know now, and had someone to walk me through the process of healing, I would have saved myself years of anguish.

It took me a long time to learn how to embrace and accept what I was feeling, no matter how unpleasant.  But once I did, it finally allowed me to gradually move through my feelings and eventually release them.  It didn’t happen overnight.

Grieving and healing from heartbreak is a process, but it doesn’t have to take years, as it initially did in my case.  If you know the steps, you can recover much more quickly and come out of the process an even stronger and more loving person than you were before.

The first step is to bring yourself to the present moment and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you’re feeling.  John Gray wrote a wonderful book called, “What You Feel, You Can Heal.”  Feeling is the first step in healing.

Allow all your feelings to come to the surface.  Breathe through them.  If tears come as well, then let them come.  Tears are very cleansing to the soul and they put us in touch with our hearts.  Getting in touch with our hearts is a big part of the healing process, so tears should be welcomed.

The next step is to express your feelings.  Expressing your feelings is critical to your healing.  You need to have a space to release whatever is going on inside of you, without having to be kind, spiritual, or worry about what someone else is going to think of you.

Through the years, my saving grace was expressing my feelings in my journal.  Having the outlet of my journal as a safe place to express all my emotions literally saved my life at times.

Now I have the benefit of a coach as an additional haven for me to express my feelings.  Only recently have I realized how powerful it is to have another person acknowledge and witness my feelings and intentions.  Having that supportive relationship in my life made transitioning through my last divorce, a thousand times easier than my first one twenty years ago.

It is essential to have a way to express all your feelings, whether that’s in a journal or by talking to a friend, therapist, or coach.  Until those unexpressed, painful feelings are released, you’ll stay stuck.

My grandmother passed away when I was eleven.  It took me ten years to complete the grieving process.  I bottled my sadness up inside me and pretended everything was fine.  It wasn’t until I took two dozen sleeping pills on my 17th birthday as a loud cry for help that I finally broke down.  I started expressing my grief, releasing what had been pent up inside me for years, and at last began to heal.

As you become present and start expressing all the feelings inside you, extend all the love you have to give, towards yourself.  That is where all your healing begins… with a heart full of love for yourself.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” - Buddha

Update on Upcoming Events and My Recent Interview

I just got back from the Oregon Coast… how great it is to get away for a few days, even if it’s only to receive clarity.  There’s something about being near the ocean that brings me such inner peace, and the ability to clear away all the ‘stuff’ in my usually over-active brain.

Coming from a week when my husband and I signed our divorce papers and then had a parting ceremony that was as moving and emotional to me as our wedding ceremony, being away for the weekend and near the ocean, brought me some profound clarity.

My interview last week with Sharon Capehart was so much fun.  She is such a joy to talk to and a real kick in the pants.  I was thrilled she asked me to be a guest on her national talk show!  She interviewed me about how to attract the love of your life, and if you didn’t have a chance to listen in, you can listen to the recording by clicking here.  I think you’ll love Sharon!

My 5-week “Secrets to Love” Group Coaching and Teleclass starts on September 25th, so if you’re interested in signing up, please send me an email and you’ll be eligible for the early bird discount.  We’ll be sending out more information on this fun and informative class very soon.  It will be a great way to help you start moving in the right direction when it comes to love.

Have a fabulous week!

Until next time,

Dawn Allen, MS, CDC, CPTF
Love & Law of Attraction Coach
Founder of Inspired Heart Coaching
"Helping successful, savvy, single entrepreneurs attract the love of their life... "
541.608.0508
www.InspiredHeartCoaching.com