Meet and Marry Mr. Right- Finally Find and Keep the Right Man For You Once and For All- Dawn Allen, Dating and Relationship Advice Expert for Women

Waiting for Mr. Right? Don't Settle for Mr. Almost-Right

I heard a story the other day about how we get
what we think we deserve in life.  It reminded me
that we also get what we think we deserve in
relationships.  See if you agree…

Dogs love bones.  Right?

Yes.  But what dogs REALLY love is steak.

They settle for bones, because that’s usually all
they can get.

But if you throw out a bone AND a piece of steak,
they will go for the steak every time.

So why do they settle for bones instead of waiting
for steak?

Well, because they’re dogs and not in charge of
their lives.

But WE are not dogs.

Yet how many times do we settle for bones, instead
of waiting for steak?

When I was dating I always tried to stay very
open-minded.  I was willing to give any new guy a
chance if I was somewhat attracted to him.  That
was a good thing.

The problem was I wasn’t always willing to look
beyond the attraction and see that he didn’t
necessarily have the important qualities I was
looking for in a partner, like commitment or
emotional availability.

I would look for the best and the brightest in a
guy, ignore the things that weren’t working and
try to convince myself that I could live without
the qualities he didn’t have or that maybe things
would change down the line.

If the chemistry was great and I saw a glimmer of
potential in the relationship, I stayed. 

Truthfully, it was just easier to be content with
what I had than to venture into being alone again.
 And part of me thought, maybe this was the best I
could do.

I would squash any doubts or concerns thinking,
“Well, I can’t look for perfection… he’s got some
good qualities and we have so much chemistry
together that maybe if I just give it more time…”


I rationalized.  I made excuses. 

Ultimately the relationship would end.

Either I would leave because it became too
draining for me to keep pretending the
relationship was going somewhere when it really
wasn’t.  Or, the non-committal man I was seeing
would end it because I felt so insecure I’d become
increasingly needy and dependent.
 
Ah, the grief, the anguish I would have saved had
I just not been so willing to settle for bones.

But at the time, I wasn’t sure steak even
existed... or if it did, if I really deserved it.

Unfortunately, the Universe can only give us what
we feel we deserve.  It simply mirrors what we’re
feeling about ourselves.

When I finally cared enough about myself to honor
what I truly wanted and needed in a partner, AND
believed I deserved it, the Universe responded in
kind and magically brought me the right man.

But first I had to be willing to say NO to what I
knew in my heart wasn’t right for me, so I could
say YES to what was.

I had to stop settling for bones. 

If you’ve ever settled for bones, instead of
waiting for steak… here’s what to do.

Have clarity about what you want and what’s truly
important to you.  Don’t settle for less thinking
he’s better than no man at all.

This isn’t about looking for perfection.  It IS
about waiting for what is perfect for YOU.

There has to be a space in your life for your soul
mate to come in. 

Being in a mediocre relationship that doesn’t
fulfill you is just taking up that prime soul mate
space.

If you have settled in the past, then now’s the
time to change.

Look back on some of your previous relationships.
Why they ultimately came to an end?

Were there emotional highs and lows because you
were always guessing about his feelings for you?
Was there a lack of openness and honesty?  An
inability to communicate?  Perhaps you wanted a
long-term commitment but he didn’t?

The clues that these problems existed were
probably there in the beginning of the
relationship.

For me the warning signs were there, I just chose
not to see them.

You deserve the RIGHT man for you.  Be willing to
wait for him and not settle for less. 

He is out there.  He IS worth waiting for and so
are YOU.
 
YOU are worth it.

Please remember that.

Until next time,

With love, light and blessings,

Dawn

Boundaries- They Help You Take a Stand for Your Life & Here's How...

Wow, I had such a great weekend away, but the only problem with going away sometimes?

It’s non-stop action when you get home!  Especially with a 15-year-old-hanging-out-at-home-because-I-can’t-get-a-job-or-drive-yet around.  My lovely structured schedule of work has somehow flown out the window.  Time to put some boundaries back in place :-)

An interesting happens when we start to honor ourselves and put healthy boundaries in place in our relationships.  Sometimes (very often, actually), all hell breaks loose initially from the loud screams of our loved ones, friends or anyone else who is trying to suck our energy away.  This is exactly what happened to me recently (see article below :-).

But something else happens after the initial shock subsides and we prove to the Universe that we really are committed to honoring our time, energy and feelings… magical things start to unfold.

So, in honor of the magical things that have started to happen to me as a result of learning how to create space for myself (my version of ‘boundaries’ since it feels less constricting), I am restructuring my business.

Some of you have mentioned that you would like to work with me privately, but either can’t afford a monthly coaching program or simply aren’t ready to make that kind of financial commitment.

In response, I am now offering individual, 45-minute coaching sessions and the investment for you is just $97.

I’m really excited about this new offering, because it gives me an opportunity to work with more of you more often.  I’ll also have additional time to spend creating books, products and other programs that will support you even more, which I’m eager to do.

If you’re interested in scheduling an individual private session with me, just email dawn@inspiredheartcoaching.com.

And please make sure you read my article today… learning how to honor and value ourselves is paramount not just in attracting the right partner, but in sustaining a magical relationship as well.

But it starts with YOU loving yourself first.

Here’s to a magical and self-honoring week ahead for you…

************************************************

“BOUNDARIES!” Nadia screamed at me in her heavy Eastern European accent.  “You have GOT to learn how to have boundaries or you will never achieve the kind of success you are meant to have in this world.  You have GOT to learn how to say NO in a healthy way, especially to those closest to you and those who are trying to take advantage of your time and energy…”

Okay, Nadia, I get it.  I’ve got to have boundaries.

Nadia is one of the most brilliant people I have ever had the pleasure of working with.

Who is she?

Nadia Tumas is an incredibly gifted and talented hand analyst and life purpose coach.  She recently did a hand analysis for me and helped me discover some pretty amazing things about myself and my life.

Nadia, however, does not mince words.  She cautioned me at the beginning of our session that she ‘tells it like she sees it’ so to speak (according to our hands) and does not hold back from saying the truth that we may not like, but that we need to hear.

I took a deep breath and told her to go for it.  I was ready to hear everything she had to say.

As Nadia proceeded to describe in detail all the positive and not-so-positive aspects of my personality (all of which were unbelievably accurate), she also explained what I needed to do in order to really fulfill my life purpose and potential, which according to her was that of being a successful leading mentor in the spotlight with a message of love for the world.

“Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries,” she kept saying repeatedly.  “Learn to have boundaries or else…”

Okay, so boundaries and saying no to people have never been my strong suit.

It’s much easier for me to say yes and give in to other people’s requests.

The problem with that, of course, is that I end up sacrificing huge amounts of time and energy to things and people that aren’t necessarily supporting my life goals.

It’s not their fault.  They’re just asking.  And people should always feel free to ask.  Or at least I want them to always feel free to ask.
But I should also feel free to say no… and I don’t always feel that way.

There’s a part of me deep down that struggles with saying no to people out of fear of rejection.

And not feeling good enough or worthy enough to put a priority on myself, my feelings and my time.

This has shown up for me time and time again in my life... in my work, in my relationships, in everything.

But in my desire to serve others, I was getting left out.  My needs and desires were getting pushed to the side over and over and over again.

And how can we ever truly serve others if we’re not first serving ourselves?

Eventually we just run out of steam.  Our energy runs dry.

Nadia pointed out to me that my hands were screaming out for help.  My over-giving and self-sacrifice in some of my relationships was leaving me with nothing left to support myself.

How could I move forward in life if I had no energy left for my goals and dreams?

The well was about to run dry.

I looked up at the Mission Statement I had written for my life the year I started coaching five years ago…

I am here to teach love & that we might all know we are loved. 
The path of Spirit is right where we are & our connection to Spirit is there all the time.
Walk down your path & know that you are loved & perfect the way you are.
The answer to everything on this path is love.

But was I really loving myself?

Was I honoring my own Path?

Not so much.

So that day, on the phone with Nadia, I made the commitment that I would start creating space for myself and having healthy boundaries in place in all my relationships.

Honest to goodness no sooner did I get off the phone with Nadia and the first person to call me was my ex-husband, who I’ve had continuing boundary issues with during our entire relationship, but particularly so since we got divorced.

I’m thinking to myself as I’m listening to him… You have GOT to be kidding me?  Really?  Really?   Must I be tested on my commitment to this already?!!!

Can’t I even get a little break or semi-hiatus out of acknowledgment for having made this commitment?

No, I guess not.  Because the first thing my dear ex-husband did was launch into a rendition of “I want you to do this for me…”  And it happened to be something I had already said No to in the past and which he continued to try and guilt me into doing.

And normally, I would have given in… just to done with it.  Even though it wasn’t what I wanted to do.

But Nadia’s voice kept nagging at me in the back of my head… boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

So… tuh-dah!  I said No for the first time.  I had to say it about 5 different times, 5 different ways and then again in about 4 different emails.  But I stuck to it and kept saying it from a place of love, not anger.

Because when I thought about it, it wasn’t his fault.  I had never shown him anything different other than being someone who would give in… generally out of fear of rejection or anger.

And this No was coming from a place of love for myself… and therefore a place of love for him too.

I just needed to show him a different interaction in our relationship.  One where I was now going to honor my feelings and say no to requests that didn’t feel right.

It took awhile, but he finally got it.  Amazingly, the final communication between us ended from a very loving place for both of us.  That was a first.  And believe me, it did feel like magic.

I hate to say it, but retraining the people in our lives that we want/need/expect to be treated differently, is a lot like retraining dogs.

We don’t have to get mad at a dog for not understanding our new requests.  We just have to be consistent and persistent in what we’re teaching them to do and how we’re training them to treat us.

And we do teach the people in our lives how to treat us.  That is our responsibility, not theirs.

We have to take a stand for ourselves.  But first we have to love ourselves enough to take that stand.

Love yourself enough to take a stand for your life… with everyone in your life.

How to Reinvent Your World...

Have you ever thought about the possibilities of reinventing your world?

George Bernard Shaw once said, “Progress is impossible without change; and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”

So what if we changed our minds about what’s possible for ourselves and our future?

What if by changing our perception of ‘what is’, we were also able to change our perception of ‘what can be…’

One of the things I love most about working with my clients is that I can hold a bigger vision for them than they can see for themselves.  And by having someone who holds that vision for them, it inspires them to create even more than they ever thought possible.

How cool is that?

And my coaches have done the same for me.

But what I’ve sometimes found is that it is very often my own limiting beliefs about the past that get in the way of creating my future.

Why is that?

Because there is a part of me that thinks I’m still that same person I was in the past and therefore, hindered by the same mistakes I made in the past.

Then one day my mentor, who is a multiple 7-figure coach and I figure knows what the heck she’s talking about, said to me, “You are not the same person today as you were in the past when you made those choices and those decisions and attracted those experiences.  Why would you think that your future would be based on your past?”

Huh… go figure.  I can tell this stuff to my clients all day long, but I still can’t always see it for myself.

And of course, she was right.  I am different.  I have grown.  I have changed.  I make different decisions today because I know more.  And heaven knows, I certainly attract different experiences than I did in the past… because we attract what we are and it’s always congruent with our beliefs about who we are.

So, I made the executive decision that day as the major shareholder in “Dawn Allen, Inc.” to overwrite my old self-image and instead to work with one of my choosing. 

And I would encourage you to do the same.

I decided to expand my beliefs about what’s possible for my future.  Not based on the past.  But instead, based on what I truly desire.  Knowing that God never gives us a dream or desire without the capacity to make it come true.

So what about you?

Is there a difficult situation in your life that has challenged you in the past?

Could you change your perception to view it as having been there to benefit you in some way?

It has been a life-changing decision for me to shift my perception to see every challenge as a means to bringing me greater self-awareness and an opportunity for self-growth.

It has also allowed me to expand my belief of what’s possible for my future.

Now, instead of looking back and seeing myself as powerless or blaming myself (or worse, someone else!) for seeming failure, I have chosen to view those circumstances as benefiting me by helping me to grow, to become more of who I am.

One of my favorite things to tell my clients is it’s not the easy stuff that makes us grow, it’s those difficult, challenging, “Oh-my-gosh-why-is-this-happening-to-me?” moments when we really get to see how strong we are, how capable we are, how much more we can survive than we ever thought possible.

Those are the times that show us who we are and what we’re made of.

And those are the times when we have a choice… we can choose to see ourselves as victims of fate, unable to choose our destinies. 

Or we can chalk it up to being an AFGO (Another Freakin’ Growth Opportunity) in this beautiful mosaic we call life.

But it is a mosaic you get to create and call your own.

Make it one you love.

And make it as brilliant, bright and shining… as you are.

Are You A People Pleaser too?

I have a confession.

 

I am, by nature, a people

pleaser.

 

It’s one of the reasons I love

what I do so much.  I get to

help make people happy.

 

Wanting to make my

clients happy is a valuable

personality trait when it comes

to business.

 

Not so much when it comes to

personal relationships.

 

I learned that lesson today

along with a huge revelation.

 

Wanting to make

everyone happy in personal

relationships very often comes

with the high price of self-sacrifice.

 

Self-sacrifice is NOT a valuable

personality trait in relationships.

 

In fact, it can result in the

build-up of resentment,

anger, guilt and the deterioration

of love both for ourselves and others.

 

So, how did I so brilliantly learn this

lesson and have this huge revelation?

 

I didn’t.  My wonderful and very wise

boyfriend pointed it out to me.

 

I was struggling on how to handle

a situation with my daughter’s father.

 

He had sent me a snotty

email trying to make me feel

guilty for not forcing my daughter

to contact him.

 

Since this was coming from a man

who chose not to participate in my

daughter’s life in any way for over

fourteen years and she’s only fifteen,

his attitude really upset me.

 

Up until this time, I have tried to

be incredibly kind and understanding

to him, even though he shirked

all responsibility to my daughter

for years.

 

I responded to his email with a few

very pointed comments of how I felt

about his expectations

and his total lack of caring and

responsibility towards my daughter.

 

But then I started to feel guilty.

 

My people-pleasing instincts kicked

in and I felt like I should try to do

something to make him

feel better.

 

Maybe I was a bit too harsh.

Maybe I shouldn’t have been quite

so blunt and honest in my email.

 

Maybe I should have been even more

understanding… again.

 

I called my boyfriend, who was a

single parent for many years, and asked

for a second opinion.

 

He very patiently pointed out to me

that it wasn’t my job to make EVERYONE

happy, least of all someone who had

created his own predicament by his

own actions… or rather lack of actions.

 

Wow.  Really?

What a revelation.

 

He further supported me in having

expressed my long-hidden feelings by

telling the truth in my email to my daughter's

father.  In my boyfriend’s words, the ball

was in his court.

 

And now I needed to let it go.

 

Just let go and NOT try and try

and try to make everyone happy?

 

Wow.  Really?

What a revelation.

 

But you know what?

He’s right.

It’s not my job.

 

It IS my job to make sure my

clients are happy.  And I will bend

over backwards to make sure they

are.  I love my clients and I love what

I do.

 

But trying to always

make everyone happy in our personal

life will generally constitute some form

of self-sacrifice, and it is impossible

to make anyone else happy if we

ourselves aren’t happy.

 

Sacrificing ourselves, our feelings,

our self-respect, our honesty, is a

sure-fire route to unhappiness.

 

Funny, I tell my clients that all the time.

 

I guess it was time I took my own advice and

learned that lesson first-hand.

 

My advice?  Make yourself happy

first, then worry about everyone else.

 

There are times when it is simply

NOT your job to make others happy,

no matter how guilty they may try to

make you feel.

 

Put the ball back in their court.

 

And then let go.  We all create

our own realities and sometimes we

just need to let other people live out their

own.

 

Then you can focus on creating yours

just the way you want it, without

sacrificing anything :-)

 

Until next time,

 

With all my love,

Dawn

 

 

Dawn Allen, M.S.

Love & Law of Attraction Coach

Certified Dream Coach

Certified Passion Test Facilitator

dawn@inspiredheartcoaching.com

541.608.0508

http://www.InspiredHeartCoaching.com

 

 

 

 

Love- What Does It Mean To You?

Not long ago, my boyfriend and I were

having a conversation about

our previous relationships.

 

Well, actually, to be more specific,

MY previous relationships since I have

... uh, a few in my past.  My boyfriend

was married for 19 years before his

divorce 9 years ago, so his list is a

tad bit shorter :-)

 

He asked what Love is to me now…

I couldn’t come up with an immediate

answer.  But after giving it some thought,

I came up with a few ideas.

 

So, in honor of Valentine’s Day,

here are some thoughts on Love,

and I'd love to hear yours as well.

 

Love means…

trust, acceptance, respect and appreciation,

those are the 4 biggies.

 

Love is…

the willingness to grow and be there for

someone, while also realizing that the goal

is not to ‘arrive’ somewhere in the future,

but to be fully present and appreciative

of where you are right now.

 

Love is…

an action and very often a choice.

And the goal is not to ‘fall in love,’ but to

‘grow in love,’ so you can become more of

who you are, not less.

 

Love…

should never make you feel like you are

‘less than’, but ‘more than’.  It should feel

expansive, not constrictive and restrictive.

 

Love is…

about looking for and seeing the best in

someone, even at times when they may

not be able to see it for themselves.

 

Love…

and fear can’t exist together, so I think love

is about letting go of fear and learning to trust.

 

And here’s the biggest thing I’ve learned about

Love…

you can only give Love to someone else,

when you’ve learned how to give it to yourself.

 

When you’ve learned to really trust, respect and

be honest with yourself, only then can you offer

those same things to someone else.

 

Only then can you make really wise choices

about the people you choose to be with in

your life, because those choices are based

in trust, respect and honesty with yourself,

and not based in fear.

 

I don’t know that earlier in my life,

I was completely conscious of the choices I made

about partners BEFORE I made them and why.

 

In part because I hadn’t taken the time to really

know myself and figure out what I wanted and why. 

 

So that’s my definition for Love.

 

And the best part is I realize that every single

experience I’ve had has allowed me to finally

learn all these things about myself, who I am

and what Love is to me.

 

Now that I can look back on every experience

I’ve had with love and appreciation for what it

taught me, I can look at the present and the future

with only love in my heart.

 

And ya know, that just really feels good.

 

I’d love to know what Love is to you…

 

My Valentine’s wish for you is that

whatever you do and whoever you’re with,

you treat yourself like the best Valentine

in the world… because you are.

 

And that’s what Love is really all about...

loving and appreciating who you are,

just as you are,

so you can share your wonderful self

with someone else.

 

With love, light and blessings,

 

Dawn

 

What if love really is all we need?

A very dear friend of mine sent me this video for the Starbucks Love Project.

It's so inspiring I wanted to share it with all of you.

Just think...

What if love really is all we need?

How would we treat each other differently?

Even more importantly,

how would we treat ourselves differently?

Enjoy the day...

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nh7D2g5v-Sg

And remember, you ARE indeed loved.

Until next time...

Dawn

Does Your Life Need Spring Cleaning?

I love Spring.  Spring is a season of new beginnings.  It's time to put away the heavy coats and sweaters, clean out the closets, and give away things that no longer fit or that we've outgrown.

When I got divorced last year and started dating, one of the first things I did was clean out my closet.  I felt like I was starting a-new, not just emotionally, but even with the clothes I wore.  It felt good to give away so many things I had accumulated during my marriage that no longer served the 'new' me.  The 'new' me that was single, happy, free, and ready to be out and about dating.

Spring is an inviting time to look at anything and everything that is unnecessary in our lives.  What have we accumulated, in addition to old clothes, that may not be serving us any longer?

Sometimes we outgrow certain people and relationships in our lives, but we hang on to them out of fear that we may not find anything better.  Sometimes we're still hanging on to painful emotions from the past, because we haven't completely forgiven those involved.

But when we can move past fear, and release what is not in our highest and best interest, we make the space for the Universe to bring us something new and better.

Letting go allows the light to shine in the places that were dark and murky before, clouded by our fears.  It brings clarity and new understanding of what's possible for us.  Change not only then seems possible, but we can invite it with an open heart, because fear is gone.

What behaviors, emotions, or relationships are you hanging on to that are preventing you from stepping into the life you were meant to live?  A life that is filled with love, joy, and prosperity... instead of fear, pain and struggle.  

Don't wait any longer.  Spring is here.  New beginnings can happen the very moment you let go... and make space for the miracles to come bounding in.

Let's get some miracles going on this spring.

 

Are You Working Too Hard to Have a Relationship? (Part 2)

This week I’m going to share with you the three big lessons I learned to change my behavior so I could create the relationship of my dreams.

Here’s what I learned:

1.  I stopped trying so hard to make the relationship happen.  I really felt part of my job was to work hard at keeping the relationship going all the time, even if my partner wasn’t working at it at all.  The problem with that is that men like to feel they have some control over where they’re going with a woman in a relationship, and not that it’s all being directed by someone else.  By my working so hard at it all the time, I took that away from him. 

2.  I stopped giving all of me away.  I had a tendency in the past to tell a man everything about me, right from the start.  If there was a connection, I thought the more I shared, the better off we would be, because we would develop emotional intimacy that much sooner.  The problem with that was there was nothing left for him to discover after the first few dates.  I was the one doing all the talking.  Part of me wanted to show him how smart, funny, capable, and interesting I was, because then he would see how different I was from every other girl out there.  There was a need to prove myself and be ‘worthy’ of a relationship.

But in the beginning of a relationship, most men really don’t care very much about everything we’ve done in the past and all we’ve accomplished.  They want to focus on who we are with them right now, in this moment.  They want a woman who can be feminine, sensual, relaxed, and at ease with herself because this immediately puts them at ease when we’re together.  Being intelligent is great, because men like smart women, but not if it feels cold, superior or condescending.  Being smart has to include warmth and femininity for men to really feel their masculinity when they’re with a woman.  I took away all the mystery of letting him get to know me in his own way.  I was too busy doing all the chasing, being too nice, giving, and available, to give him any reason to continue pursuing me.  He stopped because I gave him nothing to pursue.  I gave it all away in the beginning.  Men like discovering things on their own.  Part of what keeps attraction going is anticipation for the unknown.  It’s part of what draws men to us.

3.  I needed to take care of myself before I took care of him.  I didn’t take care of my own needs and desires first, so I started to resent everything I was doing for him.  The fact that he didn’t appreciate what I was doing just made it worse.  I was operating out of fear of loss and trying to hang on to the relationship by doing everything I could for him.  But I got lost in the process.  My confidence and self-esteem gradually whittled away, along with any feelings of ease and relaxation.  I was anxious, worried, and fearful about the relationship and constantly tried to analyze everything he said or did.  I was working so hard to get him to love me, I forgot about loving myself.  This just pushed him away even faster.  Men hate being told what to do.  And the more I tried to convince him that I was the ‘girl for him’, the more he withdrew.

I finally learned how to withdraw myself from the mentality of competing with every other woman out 
there, and started taking care of my own needs.  I learned to stop pushing for a relationship or a commitment before a man is ready to offer one on his own.  It rarely works when it’s not his idea.  I learned to act and speak from an abundant mentality, because if one man doesn’t appreciate me, there are other men out there who will.  I stopped trying so hard to please him, fulfill all his needs and desires, and analyze his feelings.  Instead, I focused on myself, on what I was feeling, and what I wanted.  I became a woman who knew she deserved a great man and an extraordinary relationship.  And that’s exactly what I found.

Stay true to yourself.  Keep your heart open.  Be the extraordinary woman you are.  Know you deserve an extraordinary relationship.  You will start attracting extraordinary and wonderful men into your life as if by magic.  And you won’t have to work hard at all.

Until next time...

© 2008 Dawn Allen

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WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Dawn Allen, CDC, CPTF, is a Love & Attraction Coach and founder of Inspired Heart Coaching™. Dawn is a leading authority on love and relationships, and specializes in helping single women attract the love of their lives. Through her group and private coaching programs, she teaches you how to attract and create a deep, magical, and loving relationship by releasing patterns from the past. To learn more about Dawn, visit www.InspiredHeartCoaching.com and receive her exclusive, new report, "4 Secrets to Finding Your Soul Mate", when you subscribe to her Ezine, or email her at Dawn@InspiredHeartCoaching.com.